Wholly Matrimony by Kenton Yee

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Fearing that Heqet would ferret out my secrets, I locked myself in the bathroom and gurr-ribetted away our wedding night. But I eventually sucked it up and we settled into a marital routine. Once a month, I’d pay a kid down the block for a sandwich bag of live flies, take a long lunch, and go home to enjoy myself.

This went on for almost a year until she came home early one afternoon and caught me in the act, naked in bed, my snake-long prehensile tongue snapping at the buzzing noises set loose in our bedroom. Heqet turned green and ran squealing from the house. She went home to mother in Baton Rouge and would not answer my calls or emails for a month.

When I finally got her on the phone, I explained how I retracted my tongue during intimacy. I admitted to losing control during lovemaking a few times and was just lucky she did not see it flick out. A lawyer, Heqet asked a swarm of cliché questions. She empathized when I confessed urges to rattle it at office rivals, a compulsion to lick plates clean, an insatiable appetite for insects …

After I promised to put a condom on it every night, she came home and we resumed our life. Isn’t marriage about accepting your spouse’s warts? During our annual camping trip, Heqet sat by a frog pond with me holding a gallon of melted ice cream to attract flies. She counted as my tongue flicked them down my throat, and cheered when I reached one hundred and one.

“Yes, Pet, they tickle in the tummy.”

“Yes, Dear, they taste like chicken.”

And so on.

Heqet never asked how I got my tongue. Lawyers are uncomfortable asking questions they don’t already know the answer to. But, now that she is in her third trimester, we may have to have another talk.

 

BIO: A physicist by training, Kenton K. Yee adores irrealism, quantum mechanics, and orange sorbet. He has placed stories in journals such as Brain Harvest, Word Riot, and Bartleby Snopes. In October, Ken will read his flash fiction in San Francisco’s Litquake festival. His Facebook wall links to his recent work: http://www.facebook.com/scrambled.k.eggs?sk=wall